I’m no relationship expert, trust me on that one. BUT I am fresh out of one and I am overwhelmed with how much I learned about myself while I was in it.
While things ultimately didn’t work out, I am eternally grateful for those ten months he and I spent together. It was my very first relationship and I was so nervous going into it. I’ve truly always been hesitant about relationships, for multiple reasons. I’ve always been scared of my health conditions being “too much” for someone. I feared they would think I complained too much. I worried they’d think I used my disability as a way to get out of things I didn’t want to do. Ultimately, I was so afraid someone would leave me when things got rough and go for someone with less problems to deal with.
I will say, I was incredibly lucky that he was rather understanding. He wanted to know everything about me and tried to help in any way, shape or form. He accompanied me to appointments, offered moral support on injection day, and never said no when I asked for a foot rub. Jackpot, right?
Feeling too Seen
While I was happy to find someone that didn’t seem to mind my disability, I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling so insecure. Truly the most insecure I’ve ever felt about myself. Eventually he noticed this too and brought it up because the girl he was dating around month 4 or 5, wasn’t the same as month 1. I felt so seen. Too seen, even. He knew when my energy dropped, or when my eyes got a little glassy. He always knew when I was in pain or when something was off. When I was single, I never found myself so aware of how sick, or disabled, I truly was. I never thought of myself that way. But having someone always point out or know exactly when I wasn’t feeling well was a reminder that…wow, I have SO many problems! It was exhausting. I was exhausting myself!
I also happened to be experiencing a flare a few months into our relationship. With the pain I was experiencing, I was no longer working out, didn’t have the energy to cook healthy meals, and felt insecure about my body. When I was single, it used to be that if I was having a bad day with my arthritis, I’d stay in bed with ugly sweats on and no one would see me! I could wince and moan in pain but no would would hear me! No one had to know my hair needed a wash, but I couldn’t because standing for that long in the shower was too painful! …Except for maybe my parents but, that’s different. Every day it was something. One morning – stiff joints. The next – nausea from my medication. The day after – my fibromyalgia decided to pop in to say hello and all I’d want was to sleep all day.
I was the most self-conscious I’d ever been, too. He’d take me to the movies with his family and I was so embarrassed that it took me twice as long to get up the stairs while all his family were already in their seats. I felt embarrased that he had to push me around in a wheelchair when he took me to an amusement park. I dreaded any sort of “fancy” event or occasion because it meant I’d have to dress up, and I didn’t feel in good enough shape to wear a cute outfit. Again, while he said he could care less, I cared so much, which put a strain on our relationship.
I was open with him on how I was feeling. I cried to him several times about my new insecurities, but they never really went away. It was a whole new ballgame.
Calm After the Storm
For those curious, our breakup had nothing to do with my arthritis. But being my independent self again felt so daunting at first. I was up one night, anxious at the thought that I’d eventually have to start the dating process over again some day! Will the next person understand? Will he be annoyed with my condition?
I think what it boiled down to was, I was letting so much self-doubt creep in that I started thinking negatively of myself. I relied on him to make me feel good and pretty and special, while I was internally battling so much uncertainty. That whole saying of “You need to love yourself before somebody else can” had a whole new meaning. Because I wasn’t loving myself. I wasn’t loving the extra few pounds I had put on or the extra 3 minutes it took to climb a staircase. Even though I’ve lived with these fluctuations my entire life, having someone else see them was so scary to me. So different.
A New Relationship…With Myself!
Embracing the imperfections is hard, it really is, but I’m working on it! I just started therapy! So that’s a start, right? I’ve been putting finding a therapist off for years but figured, what better time than now? We’ve talked a lot about the insecurities. The fears. The ups and downs that come with chronic illness. She’s commended me on discovering that being understanding, willing to compromise, and practicing patience are all things I know I need in a relationship. I never considered this before, but now these priorities are at the very tippy top of my list!
It’s okay to be seen! It’s okay to tell someone how you’re feeling. If they don’t respond well to it, that’s their problem not yours. I’m excited to embark on this journey of self love, as corny as that sounds. I’ll let you know how it’s going.
Talk soon 🙂
Alexa
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